this is not me

^{questions
Thursday, March 09, 2006} ^{Tomorrow I start the jourey that I've been on my whole life. The journey that will never end until the day we all die.

Who will I be? Where will I go? Who will say my name once I've gone?

What do we want of the world? Of our lives? Do we want to echo in history, or do we want to echo in the hearts of those we leave behind?

Who will we have to leave behind? What will we leave them?

When do we decide who we are? Who is it that decides?

Perhaps what we're looking for for so long is ourselves, and we don't have the slightest idea where to look. In the mirror, we can only see our front. Our outside. What about when we walk away? When we leave the room? Who is the 'me' that we left behind?

When the lights go out, when we fall asleep, who is it that says what about us while we dream?

What road do we choose? Which, really, is the road less travelled? Forget where we'll be in five or ten or thirtsy years, where are we now?

When you were younger, you knew what you wanted when you were the age that you're at now. Have you achieved that?

How do you betray your younger self? How do you give up your past futures? How long does your future last? How many futures die with every choice you make?

Do you have someone to share you darkness hours with? Do you have someone to share you greatest moments with? Who will never judge you? Who will always love you? If you have an answer to these questions, you're well set for the future. If the person you're thinking of is someone that you're terrified of losing, you're on the right track.

How can I ask these questions that I can't begin to answer? How can I make choices when there are so many, all equally good and similarily wrong?

How can I move forward when all I want is to freeze myself in the past?

When I was young and unafraid, the world was a place of possibilities.}

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 0 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

^{Conversations with a national socialist
Thursday, March 02, 2006}

I was surfing the art site that I'm a member of, and I came across some Nazi-related artwork. I sent the following message to the artist, purely out of curiousity. What follows is my discussion with him. I won't comment on it: take whatever you want from it.

Deviant: ~firework101 (#226704794)
Date: Feb 25, 2006, 4:08:09 PM

don't you think it might be easier to get a clear audience if you don't distance the majority of them by using the symbol that they associate with hate?

I know that the swastika is thousands of years old, and originally symbolised prosperity (etc), but a symbols meaning is only as good as how its perceived by the majority of people. These days, the peaceful meaning behind the swastika has been lost (to most people) and will probably never come back. The images of Kristallnacht (pardon my probably mis-spelling of the german) and the ghettos and the hate behind it all are what people see now. Stagnation leads to failure, Hitler knew that, and he was about change.

Just to be clear, I don't agree with your beliefs, but I think you have the right to speak them. Even if, as you say, the gassing of millions of people is a lie (as you say, which I don't agree with), the Nazis did a lot of horrible things. The photos and films of the liberations of the camps show what happened to those who survived, even if we ignore the deaths.

Although you may not be anti-semitic, there is some evidence of anti-semitism playing a large role in Nazism (to differentiate it from your new-world national socialism). The propaganda posters blasting jews, as well as the school books, are early examples of this. The laws limiting Jewish freedoms is more. The 'final solution', which was planned out and drafted on paper, is again further evidence. Or is all this a lie?

As for your analogy with christianity, the difference is that they burned heretics hundreds of years ago. The anti-semitic ideas (and memories) of nazism are only 60-odd years old. Unfortunately (for you) it's something that's closely associated with the swastika and what it stands for.

Also, since the swastika is originally from the far east (as a symbol for Hinduism and Buddhism, among others), don't you think the adoption of it for your cause is a form of multi-culturism?

Also, I'm curious, how did you come to believe in national socialism? Is it something you grew up with or ideals that you adopted later in life? Are you German or do you have German roots? How old are you, and how long have you held these beliefs?

Deviant: ~illusions667 (#226759805)
Date: Feb 25, 2006, 6:50:26 PM

don't you think it might be easier to get a clear audience if you don't distance the majority of them by using the symbol that they associate with hate?

Well.... by still using the old symbols, we have two advantages :
- we're noticed more easily.
- it seperates the narrowminded from the openminded. Only those openminded enough will approach us. Currently this may be more efficient, since the movement mostly needs intelligent and skillful leaders.

These days, the peaceful meaning behind the swastika has been lost (to most people) and will probably never come back.

You overestimate the memory of the masses. By means of proper education and the coming of new generations, it is possible to give the swastika its positive meaning throughout mankind again.

The images of Kristallnacht (pardon my probably mis-spelling of the german) and the ghettos and the hate behind it all are what people see now.

Once the understand how the influence of powerful zionists/jews had hurt German interests, they can understand the situation. They just need to look at Israel and zionist influence in the US to get an idea of how jewish influence had hurt that country.

I am not an anti-semite, because I do not generalise the behavior of elements within the jewish community and blame them on all jews. There definitely are many good and decent jews out there who do not harm anyone, but I am not blind to the fact that the overall jewish influence in most societies remains very negative. Do you really think that jews were persecuted that often by that many different peoples just, without any provocation?!

the Nazis did a lot of horrible things.

The allies and Sovjets were far worse than anything the Germans did during the war. It's just a fact that history is always told in the point of view of those who won the war, demonising the loser and glorifying the winner.

The photos and films of the liberations of the camps show what happened to those who survived

The only thing it shows, is that they suffered from disease and undernourishment. The same happened with German prisoners in American camps AFTER the war had already ended. Many tens of thousands of German soldiers lost their lived in these camps, with some sources claiming a death toll of around one million. Rarely are these casualties ever mentionned.

Although you may not be anti-semitic, there is some evidence of anti-semitism playing a large role in Nazism (to differentiate it from your new-world national socialism). The propaganda posters blasting jews, as well as the school books, are early examples of this. The laws limiting Jewish freedoms is more.

Like I said, national socialism is basically unrelated to anti-semitism. The anti-semitism of those days is merely a reaction of the negative jewish influence in the world, which cannot be denied. Many of the ideas national socialism promotes, are opposite to the ideas jews had promoted.

The 'final solution', which was planned out and drafted on paper, is again further evidence.

The final solution, as it has been written down in the so-called "Wannsee Protocols", deals with a forced migration plan for all jews. It doesn't mention killing jews AT ALL.

As for your analogy with christianity, the difference is that they burned heretics hundreds of years ago. The anti-semitic ideas (and memories) of nazism are only 60-odd years old.

It may take some time for national socialism to rise again, I agree to that. That doesn't mean it's hopeless for me to start aiding in that progress.

Also, since the swastika is originally from the far east (as a symbol for Hinduism and Buddhism, among others), don't you think the adoption of it for your cause is a form of multi-culturism?

The swastika is not orriginally from the far east. It has been used for thousands of years in many different cultures, of which Buddhist and Hindu culture are only two. Hitler was inspired by the swastika of the vikings and the Teutonic knights.

Some national socialists believe that the swastika orriginated as an Aryan symbol, by the way. They believe that it were ancient Aryans who cultivated India and China, as well as Egypt and certain other cultures. While this theory is highly contested, European (blonde & red-haired) mummies from thousands of years ago that were found in China seem to give this theory some credibility. Other elements that support it, are the fact that the upper castes in India have a lighter skin (and sometimes blue eyes), the fact that Indian languages and Europeans languages have a common origin and claims in ancient mythology of European-looking "gods" visiting non-European territories.

People in the NSDAP party believed so strongly in this theory, that they sent research teams to very remote locations (eg. Tibet) to find evidence that supports it.

I'm curious, how did you come to believe in national socialism? Is it something you grew up with or ideals that you adopted later in life? Are you German or do you have German roots? How old are you, and how long have you held these beliefs?

I've been living in Flanders for my entire life. Flanders is the Dutch-speaking half of Belgium. During WW2, there was a significant nationalist movement that supported the German occupiers, because they believed that the Germans would better serve the interests of the Flemish people than the Walloon (French-speaking Belgians) people. Walloons had oppressed my people since my country was created in 1830.

As soon I was able to understand anything about history or politics, I was told that the NS regime was evil and all the other crap we are taught to believe. At the age of 10, my grandmother told me a story about the war and the German occupation. She told me that she used to smuggle butter and that the house where she had been living in for her entire life was occupied by German troops during the occupation. She told me that her boyfriend (who later became my grandfather) had to hide from the Germans so he did not have to work for them. She told me that after the 'liberation' of my country, her house had housed Brittish troops, etc. She never was a sympathiser for the NS regime (on the contrary). But when I asked her about the soldiers who stayed at her home she told me that the German soldiers were very nice and polite young men, that the English soldiers were scary. I was shocked to hear that the soldiers who 'liberated' us were called pig and that she taught the German soldiers were very nice and polite young men. Her explanation was that they had nothing to do with the war but following orders and that they couldn't help what their leaders were doing. Still, it made me wonder. I remained however convinced that the German command was evil, that they wanted to murder all jews, etc...

At about the age of 17, I started to reject dogmatic thinking. The first thing I did was rejecting Christianity. Today, I consider my beliefs to be the largest common divider of the traditional Western and Eastern beliefs : Wotanism (or Asatru), Druidism, Buddhism and Shintoism. My beliefs are also related to the teachings of Crowley and LaVey, but they lack the antropocentrism and are somewhat more peaceful. It has been quite an evolution to come this far though, into finding my own idea of spirituality.

My political convictions also knew an evolution. At first I called myself an anarchist. I however started to realize after quite a while that anarchism was very unrealistic. So I turned to anarcho-capitalism.

Also at the age of 17, I started doing reasearch on the ultra-right and racism. I had read in a paper that there were so many racist websites and I wanted to find out whether or not this was true. I stumbled on a few marginal KKK sites and later onto the Stormfront site. From that moment on, I spent many hours in doing research on the beliefs of racist and the ultra-right. I did not understand their motives, their ideals, etc. After many discussions with this kind of people and many hours reading their material, I started to realize that they made more sense than I'd ever imagined. Still, I was not tempted to follow them and call myself a ultra-right.

Years passed. My interest on the ultra-right was deminished, but my belief in anarchism was slowly fading away and I grew more and more right wing, without realizing it. Then I watched the entire 'Band of Brothers' series with a friend of mine. The last episode featured a speech of a German general to his troops, and that made a huge impression on me. That same question I asked when I was a kid came into my mind. How can a person like that be such an evil monster. Again I started doing some research on the ultra-right and more specifically on pre-1945 National Socialism. And in time, I realized that I had been fooled all the time. And in time I also realized that their ideology made much more sense than my own at that time. It was quite a tough decision to make, but at a certain moment I made the shift. From that moment, I was no longer an anarchist or anarcho-capitalist but a national socialist. That was about two years ago. I'm 24 now.

Deviant: ~firework101 (#226774338)
Date: Feb 25, 2006, 7:31:16 PM

My research isn't nearly as complete as yours, so I'm going to withdraw from the discussion after this message, but thank you for your frank and interesting information. I'm from Holland, so my grandparents told me similar stories to yours. The 'Nazis' weren't evil, I know that. The soldiers were for the most part young men, like you and I. I also saw Band of Brothers, and I found that final scene very moving. It seemed so out of character for an American show to show the Germans as people, but they did it and I respect that.

Despite your arguments, I cannot agree with your anti-multiculturalism stance. I grew up in Portugal, and went to an international school, and I value everything that I've gained from growing up around such a variety of peoples.

I believe the Holocaust happened. Even if there was no specific gassing (although I believe there was), I think the attitude behind discriminating against people simple because of their roots is inexcusable. Even if, as you say, the programmed killing of millions of people (jews as well as other 'undesirables'), the discrimination in itself is horrible enough to earn the term 'holocaust'. I know that the Americans and Soviets did also have camps during the war, where they imprisoned Germans and their allies and subjected them to horrifying environments and experiences. This was, however, in a time of war, and the people they imprisoned were enemies. The imprisonment of Germans who lived in America and Britain (and other countries) is inexcusable as well. However, you argue that the treatment of Jews is nearly justified because the Allies treated their enemies in similar ways. I don't think that that makes it right. That sort of inhumane treatment is wrong, whoever practices it. I know that the Allies were not the 'good guys' that history makes them out to be.

I do, however have one final question. I accept that there might be very little documented historical evidence supporting the machinised slaughter of 12 million people, and that may be cause for doubt that it happened at all. But what do you say to the many witnesses who speak of seeing these 'alleged' events taking place? To the people who went home after the war without any of the family that they had at the beginning? Do you, like some others, really believe in a massive conspiracy? If you do, what is the evidence is there to support it?

Where there any Nazis who confessed to crimes againts humanity afterwards? I don't know, please let me know if that is the case, and if they did, why would they lie?

I'm not attacking you or pushing an agenda: I'm genuinely interested in your beleifs, because I've never really understood them.

Deviant: ~illusions667 (#226903424)
Date: Feb 26, 2006, 2:07:50 AM

I grew up in Portugal, and went to an international school, and I value everything that I've gained from growing up around such a variety of peoples.

I don't have anything against learning from other peoples. In fact, I myself will be staying for 3 months in Poland in a few months, by means of an internship program. I'm also fashinated by certain cultures such as Japanese and Indian culture.

The reason why I'm against multi-culturalism, is because uni-culturalism provides much greater unity in a community due to a shared cultural and genetic heritage and because cultures that are different from one another on important moral issues are incompatible, inherently leading to conflict when both are prominent in one specific area.

I believe the Holocaust happened. Even if there was no specific gassing (although I believe there was), I think the attitude behind discriminating against people simple because of their roots is inexcusable. Even if, as you say, the programmed killing of millions of people (jews as well as other 'undesirables'), the discrimination in itself is horrible enough to earn the term 'holocaust'.

It has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that none of the so-called homocidal gas chambers were used to kill people. This is all truely propaganda.

The reason why jews were discriminated prior to 1939 (they were NOT put into concentration camps before the war) was the result of the fact that jewish influence in Germany had become that harmful and great, that there seemed no other option than completely freeing the German people of it. After all, the reason for this problem, is the fact that German and jewish culture are incompatible.

I do believe it was wrong to teach the German people to hate all jews. I do believe it's wrong to teach the German people that jews are born as degenerate an immoral beings. I do, however, agree that ridding Germany of jewish influence was necessary.

Jews were put into concentration camps since 1939 because Hitler feared that the jewish population would not be loyal to Germany in a time of war (Hitler was convinced that the jewish community was responsible for the English declaration of war against Germany, which is not entirely untrue). Roosevelt did the exact same thing with Japanese-Americans in the US. The reason for these camps has nothing to do with killing people, but only with providing security for the state.

The treatment of the jews back then was not nearly bad enough to be referred to as a "holocaust". In fact, German prisoners in certain Russian prison camps were treated far worse.

The term "holocaust" refers to "a massive slaughter by fire", by the way. The real "holocausts" that took place at that time were not caused by the Germans or the Russians, but by the English and the Americans. I speak of the bombing of Dresden, Tokyo, Nagasaki and Hirohima. Hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives in the most horrifying ways, due to those bombings. Most of these people were civilians. None of the targets were military targets.

I know that the Americans and Soviets did also have camps during the war, where they imprisoned Germans and their allies and subjected them to horrifying environments and experiences.

Actually, more Germans were imprisoned by the Americans and Russians AFTER the war, than during the war. Some were imprisoned only because of their beliefs or their nationallity, especially in the East.

This was, however, in a time of war, and the people they imprisoned were enemies.

That's also what the German concentration camps were for : to imprison enemies during wartime. It is true that some political prisoners were also sent to concentration camps before the war in Germany, but this is due to the fact that German had just come out of a revolution. Such conditions are comparable with those of war, in certain aspects.

However, you argue that the treatment of Jews is nearly justified because the Allies treated their enemies in similar ways. I don't think that that makes it right. That sort of inhumane treatment is wrong, whoever practices it.

My point was that prison camps are normal in wartime, because a nation needs extra protection. If I have to choose between locking up potential threats to the state and losing a war, I'd definitely pick the first.

The German prison camps were far from inhumane, by the way. Unfortunately, near the end of the war, the allies had destroyed many supply lines that went to the concentration camps, causing lack of food and medicine. Before that, however, the conditions were pretty good for a prison camp.

I accept that there might be very little documented historical evidence supporting the machinised slaughter of 12 million people, and that may be cause for doubt that it happened at all.

The documented historical evidence clearly proves that the machinised slaughter of 12 million people did not occur. There really is not doubt at all. That's why historians are not allowed to question the official story in some countries. The promoters of the official "holocaust" theory know that they evidence is not on their side.

But what do you say to the many witnesses who speak of seeing these 'alleged' events taking place?

Name me one credible witness whoes claims are in contradiction of revisionist history.

Do you, like some others, really believe in a massive conspiracy?

There is a top level conspiracy, run by very powerful people. Have you ever heard of the so-called "New World Order"?!

Most of the so-called survivors just don't know any better, though. They saw people being devided into different groups when they arrived in the concentration camps, and they just assumed the others were killed because they never saw them again and they've been told the Germans killed them. What they never even considered, was the fact that these people were just sent to another camp or another part of the camp. The graphic novel "Maus" (by a son of a former jewish Auschwitz inmate) clearly illustrates how a man got seperated from his wife in one of those selections, with his wife ending up in Birkenau and he in Auschwitz. During their stay in these camps, there were never allowed to see each other. This is just one of the many aspects where many people just assume that systematic murder was involved because that's what they've been told, while they ignore other plausible explanations.

If you do, what is the evidence is there to support it?

I suggest you start googling with the term "New World Order".

Where there any Nazis who confessed to crimes againts humanity afterwards? I don't know, please let me know if that is the case, and if they did, why would they lie?

There are some who "confessed", after being tortured or threatened. Not everyone can withstand such treatment. Most people who could have known about what happened in the concentration camps stayed with their claims that there never was such an extermination plan, though.

I'm not attacking you or pushing an agenda: I'm genuinely interested in your beleifs, because I've never really understood them.

I encourage you to read [link] . This is the one of the few modern organisations that I know of to stick very close to Hitler's orriginal ideas. Of course, you could also try to find a copy of Mein Kampf or Der Mythus Den 20. Jahrhunderts. Those are books you should have read to be able to fully understand national socialist theory.

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 2 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

baby. I love you.

Like, to death, or pretty close to there.

BUT I gotta say, reading so many words, in white font over a black background, and in such tiny print...

Well it hurts. A lot. And I tend to still see the text after ten minutes, while - say - washign the dishes or staring at the cieling.

And I really, really want to read what you write.

Unless you're goign fro one of those multi-sensory 'imprinted in your mind' type effects...

dancing chaos, March 09, 2006 12:26 AM

erm, yer, i kinda agree- seeing green splodges here haha- not that thats bad ;). . i only carried on reading coz it was interesting enough to endure- so thats an up side:)- i wouldnt have been as tolerant of him as you were tho- i mightve bit his head off- intolerant twat haha (sorry a lil carried away there)
xaxlxfx

Anonymous, March 12, 2006 2:38 AM

^{Muse
Saturday, February 25, 2006} ^{There are times when I feel utterly nothing. People ask me how I am, and as I mutter some vague reply my mind turns on itself and points, laughing at my lie. It's very strange to be neither happy nor sad, neither excited nor dissapointed, and I think the only word that can sum up that lack of feeling is loneliness. I believe that people have energies that are invisible and immeasurable, that they carry around them. The energy itself changes, and sometimes fades, but it is always there. It's something that I can sense the moment I meet someone or walk into a room. The thing about these energies, however, is that they depend on each other, they interact. Good energy begets good energy, and one person with bad energy can bring down everyone else in the room.

Recently, I've been alone for a lot longer than I'm used to. Now, I enjoy being alone, it's something I require as part of my day, but now it's being imposed on me. I'm alone simply because there's nobody around. I recognise this feeling from when I started the IB. I'd moved to a new school, and although I still had good friends close by, the change of environment meant that I didn't see them.

The answer of course, is always the same. Relationships aren't easy in the real world. School is a preamble to the real world, its a place where everything is easy. Out of that situation, friendships are something that need to be maintained.

When I was lonely those years ago, all it took was some effort, and the best years of my relationship with my friends began. Now, again, it took some effort, but everything is getting better. Truth is, things change. It's all about how you deal with it.}

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 1 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

you have absolutely no idea how intensely I understand where you're coming from and the feelings your words are speaking.

I hope for your sake that the people you are about to allow into your life will be selected, not imposed... and bring as much to you as those who populate the nostalgic memories we all summon, at times.

steph

dancing chaos, February 27, 2006 2:26 AM

^{the utter randomness of it all
Sunday, January 29, 2006} ^{i love the utter randomness of it all. So much of our lives is determined by moments and occassions that you could never have predicted. The people you meet, the things you see, it all so nearly could never have happened. Your life, all your memories are pure chance. And while you try to calculate the possibility of everything turning out like it did, you find yourself in awe of the scale. The chance of everything you've ever known of never happening is immense: our lives are as much in our control as a marble that falls through the cracks in the earth. Then, as you pause to consider that, you begin to ponder on the thought that everything, not just your life, but everyone's life could so nearly have never happened. Chance encounters, different choices - these define us. And as that begins to sink in, the global view appears: It all so nearly never happened. Not just your life as you know it, but everything alltogether. The planet, the universe, all a result of nothingness changing. Because change is what happens. Everything that happens is just a result of the uncountable changes that take place, every day. And we're still falling. But if we look back, us lucky few, the randomness is what has made life fun. If we knew what was around the corner, we wouldn't enjoy it. If we look back, we think of all the people we met at the beach, sitting in a bus-stop, at a random party, and the good things that happened and the good people we met. It was so close to never happening, we wonder how easy it might be to stop encountering the happy endings. But I'm an optimist and a romantic: I beleive in happy endings. It's never easy, because chance only throws events at us: its us who handle them. We're on a ride, but we still have control. And it can be pretty fun.}

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 3 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

If you're coming to holland for your interview, let me know. Through your writing I'm getting to know you a bit more. More than the guy I met last summer, who shared my harry potter-excitement, who almost killed that excitement, who had great entertaining skills, and who let out the kid in him. What I am trying to say, is that your serious side seems interesting as well and you may bug me with it over coffee ; ) (unless you don't drink coffee, then a beer works as well). Don't stop writing. Kim

Anonymous, January 29, 2006 2:50 PM

lifes one big casino... just make the best of your hand and youll get your happy ending, trust me;) just dont gamble too much lol xxx

Anonymous, February 04, 2006 1:33 PM

oh, how I wish I had a miniature version of you in my pocket.

much love sent your way, kiddo!
steph

dancing chaos, February 08, 2006 11:47 PM

^{meeting people
Wednesday, January 18, 2006} ^{There are so many people you meet that you never give a second thought to. It's not that you dislike them, although that can sometimes be the case, it's just that they don't really leave an impression. However, every once in a while, you meet someone different. And you can usually tell right away when that has happened. Time doesn't slow down, however: it speeds up. Minutes pass as your brain tries to come up with something to say, some way to connect. Mumbling ensues, and you become super aware of your entire body. How am I standing? Am I slouching? Am I standing too straight? Your mind is only capable of introspective questions, all aimed at yourself. Of course, each question is painted with a tinge of paranoia. You can't be yourself because your mind is totally focused on them and your impressions on them. While your mind tortures you by deeply analysing your every move, sound and thought, it rubs salt on the wounds with a stream of consciousness barrage of studious examination of the other person's every move, trying to tap previously unkown psychic skills, trying to catch a glimpse of what they're thinking. Every single motion, every breath, has significance. The problem therein lies in trying to decipher the complex code of body language and subtleties of the spoken word. All your energy is focused on avoiding the obvious question: "Does she feel the same?"

The great part is when, despite all that, everything works out alright. It may be a day, or a year, until you see that person again. But it makes meeting people worthwhile.}

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 1 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

Wow, I'm speechless! You've got a great gift : )

Anonymous, January 23, 2006 3:11 PM

^{startling realisation
Thursday, December 29, 2005} ^{This is something very odd, but I've come to realise something recently. Now, what I've come to realise is not, in itself, very odd, but the fact that I waited until I was 18 to realise it... well, I just found it a bit strange. It's something that I've known to be true for years, but it's only really struck me recently. I tried to relate this to people the other day, but I didn't really find my audience. Perhaps here, where I talk to myself, is the only audience I can be sure will listen.

The things I do have consequences, and some of those consequences are irreperable. You see? It's so obvious, so damn obvious and it's common knowledge, but it didn't really hit me until now.

When I was in year 8 or 9, I was a real brat in school. Now, I was a real brat during the IB, too, but that was nothing in comparison to how bratty I was when I was younger. It got to the point where I would be kicked out of lessons before they even began, before I had a chance to be annoying. Anyway, the point here is that my school life was going to shit, but I never stressed, because of my undying optimism: everything will turn out all right. When my Personal Project was due in year 11, I was doing nothing on it dangerously close to the due date, yet I still didn't stress. Everything will turn out all right. And it did. I got a 6. Then, in the IB, I spent most of the summer sitting in my room, pretending to be trying to write my Extended Essay. First day back at school, I had nothing done. Yet I didn't stress. Everything will turn out all right. And it did. I got a B. Again, with my exams, the days passed by, and I didn't study. I didn't stress either. Everything will turn out all right. And it did. I got 33 points. I'm looking back now, and not seeing optimism, but instead stupid naivity. I've given a few examples, but that doesn't even compare with how stupid I was. Every class, every bit of coursework was treated the same way. Luckily, everything did turn out all right, but it could just as easily have gone the other way.

It's been the same with so much: I've never gotten stressed. I knew this before, of course, but I always related it to optimism. Unfortunately, it was always blind optimism, which is more often than not simple plain naivety. It hasn't just been with work, but with plays, friends, girls, pretty much my whole life.

Shit, I've lost my flow. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. It's just that recently events have transpired in a way that I know that things can't go back to how they were, and it's come as a real splash of cold water to the face. And it's made me look back on so much and see how easily it could've all fucked up. I'm thankful that it didn't, but now whenever I look forward, I can't help but see how easily I can fuck that all up, too.

I've come to beleive fully in Karma. Bad things only happen if you act or think negatively. and this applies on all kinds of scales. Every time I've injured myself physically, it's because I've been doing stupid things. Trying a jump when I was skiing, climbing a cliff shortly after it rained, smoking up, that sort of thing. Of course, there are the things that just happen, events that can't be avoided, but so much of your life can be seen as a reaction to your actions. It's not even as simple as 'I've done wrong, now wrong will happen to me'. I found myself in a situation where wrong was done to me, so I did wrong, and more wrong bounced back to me. It's very unnerving.

Despite my new found lack of interest in optimism, I'm going to try and refrain from becoming a pessimist. Some days I wake up, and all I can see is the endless possibilities that exist for me and my peers. It's refreshing. Sometimes I just fall from grace and see nothing but negativity. It happens from time to time, and I'm usually very aware of it. I know that I'm not hopeless.

But shit happens. Things don't always turn out alright. So many of us have been raised in a protected world, but if you look around, just beyond our borders, there are millions of people who have to face hopelessness every day, for their whole lives. Here I am, worrying about where I'll be in 10 years time, but really, I could be anywhere. Imagine being born in a refugee camp, the same place where your parents and their parents were born, knowing that you're within walking distance of where you will die. We have freedoms that some people will never know, never imagine, yet I don't know anyone who's completely happy. Why is that?

I once heard about a theory of hierarchical happiness. Unfortunately, I can't remember enough of the details to research it, but the general gist of it was that everybody always wants more. He who has nothing, will want for food and water. He who has that, will want for a house. He who has that, will want for a home. The list goes on and on. Should we, the more fortunate 1% of the world, feel guilty every time we feel unhappy? I think not. Despite how good we have it, we as individuals have the right to feel uncontent, unhappy, unjustified. I think that's the basis of human rights. We all have an inalienable right to be human, and being human comes with the ups and downs. So long as a thought is spared for those whose ups are so much lower than our lows.}

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 4 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

i kinda lost the thread too lol…found it again tho. very interesting subject, random too: not the subject itself just how you came up with it- as you kinda said at the beginning. i agree, i mean the grass is always greener on the other side- or something like that. one always wants what one doesnt have. thats just human nature i spose, and if we didnt strive for a better existence, society wouldnt rele end up newhere. nothing is ever perfect (says the virgo reluctantly ;))as for optimism/general naivety: the outcome of something is only as bad as you make/see it. i guess were just extremely lucky that our society allows us to realise almost anything we want (and youre extremely lucky that your ib went ok:P)- as you say *so long as a thought is spared for those who are less fortunate* keep striving is what i say- good job:)x x x

Anonymous, December 30, 2005 7:31 AM

Great piece of work! I don't think you're the only one who realises, what you've just realised. At some point it will hit us all that we are ignorant for the consequences of our actions. The question is only whether you should do something with this. Because constantly considering all consequences and planning ahead will make you miss out on what's here now. Planning the future can be valuable, but it are usually unplanned moments that will last with you for a lifetime. I wish you all the best for the new year and may your wishes come true! Kim

Anonymous, December 30, 2005 8:15 AM

I just read this, two days or so after posting similar thoughts -

come visit, leave your two cents. As for me, I think that we are all just looking too far behind or too far ahead, to what could have been and what we want to be... rather than basking in the glory of now.

and no, I haven't been wathicng Oprah recently. I promise.

As for our actions... einmal ist keinmal, yo.. unless of course your 'once' involves killing a man or something.

dancing chaos, January 08, 2006 6:55 PM

I have thought and acted exactly the opposite way 2u.N as a result I fucked up my IB n oda things in life too...so I guess ur theory must work.Its jst sad 2realise NOW how I messed things up by being 'Ms.Righty',spending so much time working on things n worrying bout them, hoping to do my best n get a positive outcome n in the end it's useless...got me nowhere near my goals! This has really changed the way I approach everything from them moment I came to that simple realisation.Can u believe that now I'm jst going with the flow n being a sortof Bad kid\ lol Believe it or not it's true n I feel lost, not knowing which path to take n not maneging 2etablish a balance... neways,miss u...take care!

Anonymous, January 09, 2006 5:14 AM

^{Happy Birthday Noelle
Saturday, December 24, 2005} ^{I woke up this afternoon and it hit me. Boom, it's Christmas eve.

I liked getting that vibe. It reminded me of when I was ickle. It only lasted a second, but it was great. Like a line of coke, I would imagine.

Once I'd gotten out of bed and some water to sip (the only way to avoid a hangover) I had to start wrapping all the shit I bought and I got back into my 'Christ Almighty, there's a lot of annoying shit you have to do to get to Christmas' mood. First of all, I don't think paper was ever intended to be bent, folded or sello-taped. When the Chinese (or whoever) made it, I think it was really supposed to be left flat. And, of course, rolled into cigarettes and other smoking paraphernalia.

I was going to go on, but that's the end of my Christmas ranting. It's my favourite holiday, my favourite day, even above my birthday (which gets crapper every year). Unfortunately, some people I know have their birthdays on Christmas day, which no doubt completely overshadows their special day. Not only do you only get presents once a year, but nobody ever seems to think of you and it's very doubtful that you'll be going out for drinks with them. I had to deal with a dying grandfather on my birthday, but that was only once. Some people have to deal with Christmas all their lives.

And so, I would like to let everyone know that tomorrow is Noelle's birthday. She is turning 17. Happy Birthday, my dear. The whole country has decorated itself for you. Ignore the stupid Christians and their pagan holidays. They know not why I am merry. I am merry for you.

For the first time, I looked at the all presents I had bought for people and I thought, wow, this is pretty nice. My jewish and dutch blood, of course, also had me thinking 'jesus I spent a lot of money', but I drowned that out with Radiohead (a must for the Christmas season). I think I've done well this year, and I hope people like what they're getting. Even when I spent tiny amounts of money (and I do mean tiny) I think I really hit the 'thought that counts' nail on the head, and not in the cynical way.

Because Christmas really isn't about the presents you get. Sure, it's very nice to know that I'm going to be getting a lot of very nice stuff completely free (made extra nice by the fact that now I have to pay for everything myself), but the best part is having a great excuse to do nothing all day, apart from eat and drink.

Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday, Noelle.}

you're that much closer to knowing me.

[ 1 of you have something to say ] [ say something ]

hahaha its true! bloody sheep. thank you :) <3
the real christmas x

Anonymous, December 25, 2005 5:19 AM